My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Two words: blizzard sex
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
