3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
