I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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