Can Purell be used as lube?
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
