My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Randomize
