I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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