hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
