i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Randomize
