im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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