apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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