I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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