dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
