This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
you inspire me to be a worse person
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
