I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
