apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
