You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Just puked most of my soul out..
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
