cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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