Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
