You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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