We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
