which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
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