Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Randomize
