you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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