remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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