At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Randomize
