My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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