I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
