hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
