I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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