i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
