All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Randomize
