Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
