I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
