You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
