see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
