The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
