Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
