lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
