two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
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