Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
