Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
