Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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