Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
