It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
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