I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Randomize
