The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Randomize
