We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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