the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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