there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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