Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
