just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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