How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
i believe in u and ur pee
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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