I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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