i don't plan on having that self control this summer
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize