If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
