he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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