I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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